Today I felt like writing because there has been a lot on my
mind. I think about stuff daily but because of my ADHD I tend to lose focus often.
It gets really irritating at times when I forget things or lose focus quickly. Times
like this are why I don't get things done often, but because of my calendar and
phone I set reminders daily. Cool right? Yeah I know we depend on our phones so
much!! Anyways back to why I wanted to write today. Lately I’ve been feeling
lost. I haven't really talked to anyone about it because there aren't many
people that I can talk to. I feel like I’m always being judged especially by my
so-called friends, or the people who are around. I know there are people out
there that I’ve encountered who are here to help; I just don't take that
initiative because I feel intimidating. But I really think I’m going to take
them up on that offer because I know that they have been in my shoes at one
point in life.
Dealing with family, school, and my so-called social life it
gets frustrating and at times too much. There is so much on my plate that at
times I don't know what to do with it all. Trying to stay focused with school
and graduation, yet help others, and STILL try to be accepted by society. I
know I know I know, we shouldn't be worried about what society think but you
still have that need to want to be accepted by your peers. It's natural to want
to conform to society and not look like an outsider. We all do it at one point
in our lives.
When you're going through a lot you tend to feel lonely and
lost. There seems to be so much coming at you from different directions and yet
no one to turn too. That's how I feel. People claim that they are here for you
and have your best interest at heart but at the first chance they'll talk about
you just like they talk about everyone else or they'll change and act like
you've done something wrong. Having that feeling is not good, especially when
you lack the faith that God has given you. Growing up I never really got that
attention and love that I’ve always wanted. People constantly loved and left
me. From family to friends it was a never-ending circle. I'd get my hopes up
constantly and eventually stopped caring. Having that fear of people not really
caring about me or even loving me, kept me to myself often. It also started
hindering a lot of relationships because I was so naive and distant. Up until
this day whenever I go through a lot I tend to distant myself from people and
though it may "hurt" others I do it to protect myself from being hurt
again. But anyways....
I've come to the conclusion that since I’ve been lacking in
faith my relationship with God hasn't been the best and I know that when you
are not in line with God then yes you will feel incomplete and lost. I've been
consistent in my prayer life but not have much as I should be, if that makes
any sense. I haven't been spending that intimate time with Him and it's
affecting my everyday life. I need to get back on track and stop focusing
trying to please others. Stop trying to be accepted by everyone when those
people don't even matter. I'm focusing on my relationship with God and myself. That's
what truly matters in my life. People will always come and go in your life but
God will always be there and will never change. He's the same yesterday, today,
and tomorrow!
Lastly, I’ve learned to appreciate those who are genuine and
consistent in your life. Through the good and the bad my mother, grandmother
and nana have always been there and though my grandmother cannot verbally
express it I know she is proud of me as well. I do what I do for them and to
realize all the love and care they give it's hard to miss. I just wish things
were better and that it didn't take this long. After talking and just thinking,
clearing my mind, I received clarity and I know what I have to do in order to
get the peace and joy back in my life. Just like I make time for everything
else I need to make time for God. It's necessary for my existence and I know
without God I wouldn't have anything nor would I be here today. He is the
reason for my existence and no words could ever express how thankful I am of that.
I would also like to thank my future, he knows who is! :-)
Thanks for reading.... until next time!
Peace
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