Lost

Today I felt like writing because there has been a lot on my mind. I think about stuff daily but because of my ADHD I tend to lose focus often. It gets really irritating at times when I forget things or lose focus quickly. Times like this are why I don't get things done often, but because of my calendar and phone I set reminders daily. Cool right? Yeah I know we depend on our phones so much!! Anyways back to why I wanted to write today. Lately I’ve been feeling lost. I haven't really talked to anyone about it because there aren't many people that I can talk to. I feel like I’m always being judged especially by my so-called friends, or the people who are around. I know there are people out there that I’ve encountered who are here to help; I just don't take that initiative because I feel intimidating. But I really think I’m going to take them up on that offer because I know that they have been in my shoes at one point in life. 

Dealing with family, school, and my so-called social life it gets frustrating and at times too much. There is so much on my plate that at times I don't know what to do with it all. Trying to stay focused with school and graduation, yet help others, and STILL try to be accepted by society. I know I know I know, we shouldn't be worried about what society think but you still have that need to want to be accepted by your peers. It's natural to want to conform to society and not look like an outsider. We all do it at one point in our lives. 

When you're going through a lot you tend to feel lonely and lost. There seems to be so much coming at you from different directions and yet no one to turn too. That's how I feel. People claim that they are here for you and have your best interest at heart but at the first chance they'll talk about you just like they talk about everyone else or they'll change and act like you've done something wrong. Having that feeling is not good, especially when you lack the faith that God has given you. Growing up I never really got that attention and love that I’ve always wanted. People constantly loved and left me. From family to friends it was a never-ending circle. I'd get my hopes up constantly and eventually stopped caring. Having that fear of people not really caring about me or even loving me, kept me to myself often. It also started hindering a lot of relationships because I was so naive and distant. Up until this day whenever I go through a lot I tend to distant myself from people and though it may "hurt" others I do it to protect myself from being hurt again. But anyways.... 

I've come to the conclusion that since I’ve been lacking in faith my relationship with God hasn't been the best and I know that when you are not in line with God then yes you will feel incomplete and lost. I've been consistent in my prayer life but not have much as I should be, if that makes any sense. I haven't been spending that intimate time with Him and it's affecting my everyday life. I need to get back on track and stop focusing trying to please others. Stop trying to be accepted by everyone when those people don't even matter. I'm focusing on my relationship with God and myself. That's what truly matters in my life. People will always come and go in your life but God will always be there and will never change. He's the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow! 

Lastly, I’ve learned to appreciate those who are genuine and consistent in your life. Through the good and the bad my mother, grandmother and nana have always been there and though my grandmother cannot verbally express it I know she is proud of me as well. I do what I do for them and to realize all the love and care they give it's hard to miss. I just wish things were better and that it didn't take this long. After talking and just thinking, clearing my mind, I received clarity and I know what I have to do in order to get the peace and joy back in my life. Just like I make time for everything else I need to make time for God. It's necessary for my existence and I know without God I wouldn't have anything nor would I be here today. He is the reason for my existence and no words could ever express how thankful I am of that. I would also like to thank my future, he knows who is! :-)

Thanks for reading.... until next time! 

Peace