Emotional Wreck!!!

So I've come to conclusion that i am an emotional wreck! No BS... I've always played around with the fact that I'm crazy and/or Bi-polar not really knowing that it would be true. Yeah, people tell me I'm crazy all the time but now I'm really starting to believe that something is wrong. Thanks to my sis Erika and Phy, I've been paying more attention to the things that are going on around me causing me to be so emotional. 


During the time of observation i have come to find out that my family, causes me a great deal of stress, be it my grandma, mom or brother. My mom and her drug problem has taken the biggest toll on my life and I've been trying to find ways of pulling myself away from the situation but being the person i am, it's really hard. Since I've been little I've been taking on her problems, burdens and responsibilities. Which has taken a toll on me and mentally and physically. This is one of the ongoing battles that i continue to fight, daily. My Grandmother has been in continuing care for about 7/8 years now and it hurts my heart to see that i can't do anything to help her. I visit her as much as i can and i talk to her even though i know she's having problems with her memory. She's been a vegetable (not being able to do anything for herself since her stroke) and has been on a feeding tube up until about 3/4 months ago. Praise God that she is not getting worse but my biggest fear is losing her. She is my heart and i would be hurt if she left this earth. My brother is a struggle. Now i have to say at one point i was not the greatest role model, but i try and make up for it. He's been having a hard time in school and seeing that i don't want him to end up on the streets i stay on him. But lately it's like everything i say has been going in one ear and out the other. It gets really frustrating because i try my hardest to be there for him and show him the way but he doesn't open up to anyone. It hurts my heart because i'm his sister and i'm suppose to be the one that he could talk to but he won't open up to anyone! It's heartbreaking!!!


Now those are just the biggest problems, there are a lot more things that i am going through but it doesn't compare to them. I've seen many counselors, psychologist and doctors and one thing that they can say it that i'm stressed! Not the average everyday stress but to a critical level. Yeah i know i try and stay strong but sometimes that doesn't always cut it. So with that being said I've been seeking professional help because i feel as though it's becoming a bigger problem. I've been showing a lot of signs and symptoms of disorders and i pray that it doesn't come to that but at this point i don't know. Well this is all for now, i'll keep updates on what's to come and what's to happen!!


Tootles!!! <3

My heart is filled with pain and hurt. I've come to a breaking point, ONCE AGAIN...I don't know how much longer i can take and I've said this over and over again and yet I'm still in the same spot and it's still the same situation. Hopefully this time i can take a different road and not end back in the same spot because i know my health is at risk! I love this person dearly but i just can't do it. I ask that God softens my heart and give me the strength that i need to move past this and past this person. Hopefully i won't be going down this road again!

I am the product of a shot glass inside a crack pipe,
A mix between a father who couldn't be there if he a tried and a mother who struggled to get her life right.
I am... the result of silent screams and broken dreams that became walking nightmares.
Words that choked back breath as she begged for anyone to be there...
But her hero never came.
Somewhere in this bloodline is the offspring of a woman and she was slowly going insane...
So she wrote.
Placed a pen to the only paper she could find,
And forced time to rewind in her mind as she realigned her memories.
Thoughts and dreams she was told could never be.
Melodies of tear drops she was never meant to create
and a song that played through her pen about a child's heartbreak.
But she was 20...and old enough to understand that she couldn't bring up the past,
Wasn't allowed to shine a light on the darkness that had been cast...
She knew better.
So how dare she step to a microphone and scream words they didn't want to hear?
Giving life to the vocal chords they hoped would disappear?
Use her pen to write how roses are some shade of red,
And violets are really purple. They asked for lies but instead...
She decided to speak truth.
Because somewhere in those notebooks, the lines started to blur,
Daddy was just a sperm donor and her mother was concerned
Because her baby was asking questions and answers were never given,
Like why lives had been taken but she continued livin'...
Four potential siblings that would never know her pain,
An only child by circumstance who was given the name: Crystal.
And at one pound, two ounces she was born to carry her world,
Her alcoholic father and crackhead mother's baby girl.
She was the product of a shot glass inside a crack pipe,
Destined to take this pen and shine light so she writes...

By Kirei